These are things that are so common in our world, yet are somehow still considered taboo subjects. I'm not suggesting you make them your next dinner party conversation topic but I am begging that you don't ignore people when they bring it up. I get that it is an uncomfortable topic for some to discuss, but your two minutes of discomfort is nothing compared to the lifetime of pain felt by those who have experienced the unthinkable.
I personally know so many women who have experienced miscarriage, many more who have had to give birth to a sleeping child, and even some who have had no choice but to terminate a much wanted pregnancy because there were major risks to their own lives. All of these women have suffered loss and all of them are struggling to adapt to their new normal.
These women (and their partners too of course!) have gone through so many emotions, emotions we all experience but could never imagine experiencing all at once. There is elation (or abject fear) when they see that positive test, and then their mind goes into overdrive, imagining a life with their child, a life filled with joy, laughter and all encompassing love. A life that involves play dates, football games in the park, ballet classes, tears, smiles, hugs and tantrums. A life that you pray your child will lead, not once in these first few moments do you consider that something might go wrong. But for so many it does go wrong, for so many they never get to experience that rush of love when they see their baby's heartbeat for the first time, some never even get to see their baby on a scan because they leave too soon. Some have to make difficult decisions and deal with the guilt that stems from them, and some have to deliver a baby they know will never take a breath.
So often when the unthinkable happens people don't understand why it hurts so much, I personally was asked "how can you be this upset about something you never actually had?"- can we just take a second to think about how ridiculous that question is? Remember that whole life I mentioned, the one you start dreaming about the second you find out you are pregnant? We mourn the life we expected, we mourn the expectation of a healthy pregnancy, we fight with ourselves internally, we blame ourselves and wonder what we could have done differently. There are a million emotions that run through you when you lose a baby, and at the core of it all is a deep, unrelenting sadness and pain. It never ends either, something like this changes you as a person, everything you do for a while will be tinged with a different kind of emotion.
One day you will realise that you smiled a lot, and then suddenly you will feel guilty for smiling! You will go a whole day or even two or three without feeling hopeless, and then BOOM it will all come rushing back and hit you all over again. It never really goes away, I think about what could have been every single day...I sit in a bar with a nice glass of wine and my brain tells me you couldn't do this so often if you had your baby, and I find myself wishing I wasn't sat in that bar drinking that wine. I get a twinge of jealousy when I walk past pregnant women, and then remember that I don't know their journey, I don't know if they struggled like I struggle, and then I end up just praying that all goes well for them.
That's what miscarriage and child loss does to you, it takes away your innocence, your naivety, it changes your priorities, it changes your entire outlook and it hurts.
I was lucky enough to find a woman who made it her life's mission to make the world a better place for women like me, and through her I found an amazing support system, and the strength to try again.
She has made me want to be a better person because of what happened, as opposed to being a sadder person. Which is the point of this post really, if you need to talk, talk to me. If you need to rant, rant to me! If you have experienced loss and don't know where to turn, turn to me and I'll do my best to help. I am not an expert, I am just a woman who lost a baby, like so many others out there. If I can empathise I will, if I can't I will introduce you to the people who can. At the same time if someone you know is struggling with this and you just don't know what to say, please ask me. I know it can be hard, but the most important thing is to make sure that you don't dismiss the feelings of a person who is trying to reach out to you. Say their baby's name, remember them, and remember that if a person feels like a parent it isn't up to you to tell them they aren't!
Sorry for being depressing today, I promise normal service will resume shortly, but today I'm choosing to remember our baby. Two years ago today our world changed, and I'm lucky that I've adapted to my new normal, but others aren't so lucky...this post is for them.
In memory of baby Pip -12th August 2013. 💙
Much Love
AJ
Xx
