Showing posts with label secrets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label secrets. Show all posts

Living With...Anxiety

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Hi dolls,

I have 3 different notebooks lying around me right now, all 3 have lists, ideas, first drafts, second drafts, and scribbles all over them. All 3 are my blog post notebooks and not one has a finished post inside!
At the start of December, I relaunched and I was finally happy with my design and layout (and I still am, I really totally do love it) I had so many plans, and I couldn't wait to get writing and publishing, but every single time I sat down to write I failed to finish a single fucking paragraph!!!

NEWSFLASH!!!

In a stunning twist, it's not even that old cow Writer's Block that is stopping me. Nope, this time, it's this new bitch in town- Anxiety!

I know, I know, "Anxiety" is a word bandied about the Twittersphere like a badge of honour nowadays- but bitches be crazy if they think it's some cool new accessory. Anxiety can't be taken off and put on a shelf next to your marble vinyl paper and blog props, until the next time you want to be "just like Zoella"! I could tell you what anxiety actually is BUT it's different for everyone, and everybody has a different way of explaining it to others- here is my way...

Things My Anxiety has told Me This Year

 (in this scenario my anxiety is a skinny blonde bitch, that looks a little like my school bully)


  • Bitch do you really think you're funny? Chlamydia gets more laughs!
  • Why bother writing it? Literally nobody gives a shit! 
  • Your friends legit think you are a total bitch-say nice things to keep them around- for now!
  • Why would Damian love you? You are a mean, narky, temperamental cow!
  • Oh, and BTW you should not be wearing those jeans...can you say thunder thighs? Fat bitch!
  • Yup, that guy is definitely going to kill you. He's not really heading to work, he's got a cellar where he's going to chop you up into little pieces. 
  • Seriously EVERYBODY is looking at you- I bet it's because of that ugly scar on your nose- that guy (on the other side of the road) he sees it and he is disgusted.
  • You know you're getting old right? 
  • You're NEVER going to be a mum.
  • You'd be a shit mum anyway!
  • Although you couldn't be any worse than you are at being a wife.
  • This lift is going to break down, nobody is going to care enough to look for you, you are going to have a panic attack and die in this metal and glass coffin.
  • Just stop trying- it's pathetic.
  • Why would they promote you?
  • That person behind you IS going to kidnap you- for real.
  • Nobody is going to pay the ransom.
  • You looked shit on your wedding day.
  • You look shit today too, and tomorrow probably.
  • Your husband is repulsed by your skin and scars.
  • He legit doesn't find you attractive.
  • If you eat that you WILL choke and die.
  • That pain IS a heart attack- you are going to die right here.
  • You're going to get sacked any day now because you're shit at your job as well as everything else.
  • If you go to sleep I'm going to give you that nightmare again.
  • If you go to sleep I'm going to make you miss your alarm. miss work, and lose your job.
  • If you go to sleep you are NEVER going to wake up.
  • He sleeps better without you there anyway.
  • It's cancer/fibromyalgia//MS/other horrible illness
  • You think you've got style? You look like a hippo that shops in trash cans.
  • Why bother moving today.
  • Why bother blogging? Shut it all down.
  • Why bother doing anything?
I could go on and on but this is already longer than I planned so I'll stop here with the things anxiety has told me this month. I know most of these things seem irrational (except maybe the not being funny thing) but in the moment I believe them all, and that is why I've decided 2016 is going to be the year that I defeat this stupid blonde bitch!- Wish me luck!!

Thanks for reading, and please have a gentle new year.

Much Love
AJ
xx


The First One

Monday, February 03, 2014

So writing your first blog post is actually a lot harder than it sounds...I have a thousand ideas for future posts but they all seem a bit strange for a first post. In true AJ style though I did some research about what makes a good blog post and narrowed it down to lists or about me....with that in mind welcome to my list of ten things you may or may not already know about me :-).

1) I am 98% sure that I was a witch in a past life. - now don't get me wrong I don't think I have magical powers, above and beyond those that most women have anyway, but there are reasons why I have this feeling. For instance I have a great fear of water that covers my face, I hate having things around my neck that aren't loose, and despite loving fire from a distance I have had recurring dreams, for as long as I can remember, about dying in a fire. Now I hear you saying why do these completely rational things make you think you were a witch? Well dear readers it's like this...many people say that fears and dislikes that are formed without any rational reason are generally built in from a previous incarnation of yourself i.e. past lives. Add that tidbit of information to my previously confessed fears and you have someone who in a past life had reason to avoid water over they face, tight things around the neck and stifling fire, and I give you a witch that was water-dunked, hanged and or burnt at the stake for her crimes.

2) I probably shouldn't believe in past lives as I am actually a Christian.- Yeah I know it might be hard to believe for many but I am in fact a fully paid up member of the Jesus brigade. I wont shove my believes down other people's throats, I don't expect anybody to agree with my beliefs and I wont cut you out of my life for disagreeing with me...I mean come on my fiance is a Godless heathen* and I'm marrying him. But I also wont put up with people trying to make me feel bad for my faith which happens more often than one would hope. Oh and before you assume that because I am a Christian I am against all sorts of things, I am not an idiot and I abhor the fundamental Christians with their hate campaigns against completely natural things but as I always said God will judge in the way he sees fit, it is not my place.

3) I have REALLY fucked up food habits.- I am not even kidding here people I eat weird things. I mean in the first instance my eating habits are pretty dodgy anyway, I don't like A LOT of things I basically have the diet of a ten year old child...seriously give me chicken nuggets, chips and beans any day and I'll be happy. I can't eat many fancy things as I have allergies and I am very fussy with what I will and wont try BUT then it starts getting weird. My favourite snack at the moment is Flame Grilled Steak McCoys and Creme Eggs- I realise that only sounds weird when I finish by saying, together! I love to dip the crisps into the fondant and eat them together it is soooo freaking fine. It doesn't even have to be McCoys, I also like smokey bacon wheat crunchies with creme eggs. Another weird one which has my friends looking at me funny is: smokey bacon crisps with chocolate ice cream sauce, or chocolate fudge icing. The good thing I take from these strange dietary habits is that when I get pregnant and start getting cravings there is no way they can be worse than what I already do, right?

4) I recently discovered that I DO have a maternal bone in my body.- I wasn't one of those girls that went around primary school dreaming about being a mummy and playing with dolls. I was more likely to be found writing poems, and stories, and playing with made up Ouija boards (clearly I came to Christianity later in life). I wanted to be a star, be it through dancing, singing, ice skating or writing. Later in life I wanted to be a CEO, an MD, a Pulitzer Prize winning writer or journalist, but never a mother. My own mother had pretty much resigned herself to the fact that she had raised two completely non-maternal daughters that were going to condemn her to a life with no grandmotherly perks. And then something crazy happened, I started to thaw. Babies started to make me gooey inside, I started to have conversations with 4 month old children and not get annoyed that they didn't understand me enough to do as I said. I babysat my best friends little boy ALOT and found that I liked being responsible for another human being, and that everything seems so much better when a helpless little thing smiles at you and hugs you tight. I have changed, I still want to be a CEO, and MD, a Pulitzer Prize winning writer but I want to do all this with my Husband and a family by my side.

5) I wear loads of jewellery all at once but there is one piece that I wear everyday.-  I have a serious Bottled Treasures addiction, these are necklaces made by a very talented woman called Jilly Tait and can be found at Bottled Treasures. I have so many of these and intend to buy more and more but there is one in particular that I never take off. Jilly does amazing custom designs and she very kindly made me one this summer. Here comes the sad part, and for this I'm sorry, in August 2013 myself and Damian sadly lost our first baby and it was a horrible time for both of us. Despite the sadness that comes with such a horrible experience there are the feelings that you want to hold onto forever so with that in mind Jilly made us a custom commemorative necklace, which I adore.
Angel Baby, Pip, 12th August 2013.
6) My name is Amanda-Jaied and I am a hoarder :-(.- I HATE throwing things out. But I also hate clutter so imagine how hard it is to organise my life. I just can't seem to part with things I have spent my life accumulating. Now for those of you that really know me you are aware of just how often I move house so you'd assume that I clear things out quite often, you;d be wrong! I most recently moved house on the 2nd of January 2014 and when it came to packing I discovered items I have absolutely no use for, haven't used or looked at since the last time I moved house, and probably wont ever use again, but you can bet any amount of money I found a reason why I absolutely could not throw them out. I am not proud of the fact I have shoes in my collection that don't fit anymore, I can't explain why I have issues of MORE magazine from 2007, and I definitely cannot tell you why I am currently looking at a make-up set that was given to me as an 18th birthday present (I don't even wear make-up!!!). But I can tell you that if any of these things suddenly disappeared I would notice, I would search for them, and I would kill the person that got rid of them!

7) I have seen every episode of Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill, Charmed and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, at least twice.- That list is by no means extensive, you could also add Sabrina the Teenage Witch, 90210, Bones, and Friends and we still wouldn't be finished. My point here is that I love TV. I love TV shows like the ones mentioned above, and sometimes I sit in front of NETFLIX or NOW TV and just binge watch shows that I have seen a thousand times. Shows like One Tree Hill have introduced me to music that I love, actors that have gone onto great things, and stories that are at times so far-fetched but at the same time completely relatable to real life. On the flipside, I have never watched an episode of The Walking Dead or Breaking Bad...don't kill me. 

8) I am completely obsessed with Vivienne Westwood.- Let me clarify: there is the completely obsessed fan that loves the person and devours all they can about the woman herself, and there is the the completely obsessed fan that makes her friends walk from one side of Glasgow city centre to the other, in the rain, to find a scarf that may or may not have been released yet. I am clearly the latter. I love the artist within the woman, a large chunk of my accessories collection is made up of Vivienne Westwood pieces, from wallets and scarfs to pen sets and sunglasses. I love them all and I will continue to buy them all until the day I die, and come that day I will be buried in my favourite cashmere Viv scarf...the kids can inherit everything else. 

9) I would give up everything I own for Curtis Stigers to sing at my wedding.- Now bear in mind that I have previously stated that I am a hoarder, and my previous revelation pointed out that I can be quite materialistic, that is how much I would love the man to sing at our wedding. I know that many of you wont even know who Curtis Stigers is, and that in itself is a crime, but I love him. You may know who he is if you were born in the 80's, have an appreciation for Jazz music, are a fan of Sons of Anarchy, or if you watched ITV's awful show that paired celebs with singers (I can't even remember what it was called). The point is he is my guilty pleasure. Check him out here.

10) I suffer from social anxiety.- Now I know some of you are thinking I'm full of crap here, but it's true. I have a reputation as a party girl, as this bubbly, extroverted, bouncy girl that makes friends super easily and doesn't get scared easily, but in all honesty I hate parties, I hate large groups of people, I get anxious around new people, I am more likely to stay in bed writing on this blog than I am to go into town and actually socialise with people. It hasn't always been like this, and I am taking steps to make it so it wont always be like this, but for now I am a socially anxious, introverted homebody. 

Well that was a lot harder than I thought it would be but it's done, and now you all know a little bit more about me. I hope you enjoyed my first post, thank you for reading it, and look out for the rest :-).

Much Love
AJ xx

*Godless Heathen is clearly a pet name, I meant to say Atheist :-) .