Living With...Anxiety

Living With...Anxiety

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Hi dolls,

I have 3 different notebooks lying around me right now, all 3 have lists, ideas, first drafts, second drafts, and scribbles all over them. All 3 are my blog post notebooks and not one has a finished post inside!
At the start of December, I relaunched and I was finally happy with my design and layout (and I still am, I really totally do love it) I had so many plans, and I couldn't wait to get writing and publishing, but every single time I sat down to write I failed to finish a single fucking paragraph!!!

NEWSFLASH!!!

In a stunning twist, it's not even that old cow Writer's Block that is stopping me. Nope, this time, it's this new bitch in town- Anxiety!

I know, I know, "Anxiety" is a word bandied about the Twittersphere like a badge of honour nowadays- but bitches be crazy if they think it's some cool new accessory. Anxiety can't be taken off and put on a shelf next to your marble vinyl paper and blog props, until the next time you want to be "just like Zoella"! I could tell you what anxiety actually is BUT it's different for everyone, and everybody has a different way of explaining it to others- here is my way...

Things My Anxiety has told Me This Year

 (in this scenario my anxiety is a skinny blonde bitch, that looks a little like my school bully)

• Bitch do you really think you're funny? Chlamydia gets more laughs!
• Why bother writing it? Literally nobody gives a shit! 
• Your friends legit think you are a total bitch-say nice things to keep them around- for now!
• Why would Damian love you? You are a mean, narky, temperamental cow!
• Oh, and BTW you should not be wearing those jeans...can you say thunder thighs? Fat bitch!
• Yup, that guy is definitely going to kill you. He's not really heading to work, he's got a cellar where he's going to chop you up into little pieces. 
• Seriously EVERYBODY is looking at you- I bet it's because of that ugly scar on your nose- that guy (on the other side of the road) he sees it and he is disgusted.
• You know you're getting old right? 
• You're NEVER going to be a mum.
• You'd be a shit mum anyway!
• Although you couldn't be any worse than you are at being a wife.
• This lift is going to break down, nobody is going to care enough to look for you, you are going to have a panic attack and die in this metal and glass coffin.
• Just stop trying- it's pathetic.
• Why would they promote you?
• That person behind you IS going to kidnap you- for real.
• Nobody is going to pay the ransom.
• You looked shit on your wedding day.
• You look shit today too, and tomorrow probably.
• Your husband is repulsed by your skin and scars.
• He legit doesn't find you attractive.
• If you eat that you WILL choke and die.
• That pain IS a heart attack- you are going to die right here.
• You're going to get sacked any day now because you're shit at your job as well as everything else.
• If you go to sleep I'm going to give you that nightmare again.
• If you go to sleep I'm going to make you miss your alarm. miss work, and lose your job.
• If you go to sleep you are NEVER going to wake up.
• He sleeps better without you there anyway.
• It's cancer/fibromyalgia//MS/other horrible illness
• You think you've got style? You look like a hippo that shops in trash cans.
• Why bother moving today.
• Why bother blogging? Shut it all down.
• Why bother doing anything?

I could go on and on but this is already longer than I planned so I'll stop here with the things anxiety has told me this month. I know most of these things seem irrational (except maybe the not being funny thing) but in the moment I believe them all, and that is why I've decided 2016 is going to be the year that I defeat this stupid blonde bitch!- Wish me luck!!

Thanks for reading, and please have a gentle new year.

Much Love

AJ

xx